I should be crushed. I have the entire data warehouse of a multi-million dollar business in my clammy little hands. Since all of my vets are on vacation, I am on-call to get the warehouse back up and running should it fail. I should be hiding under my blankets. My stomach should be roiling with butterflies. But it’s not.
I’m cutting through the stress like a fighter jet. I feel it out there, but it’s not getting in. Why? What am I doing different? How is this awesome responsibility not crushing me? I think it’s all because I refuse to dwell on the negative. I’m not letting my doubts and fears run amuck. I’m telling myself it’s all going to be ok. I’m smart and if something goes wrong, I’ll work the problem. I won’t get fired. My kids won’t go hungry.
It all seems so easy, and obvious, but it’s not. When I’m depressed, nothing rational seems obvious. It’s all hidden behind a shroud. I can’t be myself, and I have to wear a mask all day just to function. Now, I feel like I have a way to pull myself out of the nosedive. It’s pretty cool.
I started a new playlist on Spotify, inspired by Three Little Birds by Bob Marley. I call it “depression slayers”. Just one more arrow for my quiver.
This week has been pretty good. My boss left this week, I had to run the team down a man. Stress was high, but I lived through it. I even enjoyed myself. Things are really going well. Really the only thing I’m doing differently is telling myself that everything is going to be ok. When I feel myself focusing on bad things, I just take a breath and think that things are well. That’s it, really. It seems to work. Hard to argue with the power of positive thinking!
I’m listening to a book right now about a guy who worked as a salvage officer in World War 2. In the epilogue, there were some notes on his accomplishments from the British Admiralty, and some of those words inspired me. “Intelligent and energetic” and performs his duty “with zeal”. I took the words into my heart and used them to fight off the evil butterflies. I believe that if I take care of my duties with intelligence, energy, and zeal, I will be successful. I have these qualities and I am going to use them. Once I captured these ideas, the anxiety began to slip away. It was refreshing. Of course, as soon as I got to work I took a Xanex, just to be sure.
After dealing with the mire of anxiety and self-destruction yesterday, I found some strength this morning. I could chalk it up to Xanex, but part of dealing with depression is finding inner strength where you can. Today, I will refuse to be intimidated by my responsibilities. I will deal with my difficult employee. I will take charge of what is happening on my team and go above and beyond to try to influence others to take responsibility. These are my strengths and I will play to them. I will not think about curling up under the blankets. I’ve put on my mask already, but I may take a chance at taking it off and letting people see the real fire in my eyes.
Eventually, the Xanex will wear off. Will I make it? I think so. I have enough to work on today to help pass the hours pretty quickly. Then I get to meet with my therapist and talk to him about this week and the unexpected assault I’m under from anxiety. The end of the week is end sight; I can do this.