Still going strong

I should be crushed. I have the entire data warehouse of a multi-million dollar business in my clammy little hands. Since all of my vets are on vacation, I am on-call to get the warehouse back up and running should it fail. I should be hiding under my blankets. My stomach should be roiling with butterflies. But it’s not.

I’m cutting through the stress like a fighter jet. I feel it out there, but it’s not getting in. Why? What am I doing different? How is this awesome responsibility not crushing me? I think it’s all because I refuse to dwell on the negative. I’m not letting my doubts and fears run amuck. I’m telling myself it’s all going to be ok. I’m smart and if something goes wrong, I’ll work the problem. I won’t get fired. My kids won’t go hungry. 

It all seems so easy, and obvious, but it’s not. When I’m depressed, nothing rational seems obvious. It’s all hidden behind a shroud. I can’t be myself, and I have to wear a mask all day just to function. Now, I feel like I have a way to pull myself out of the nosedive. It’s pretty cool.

I started a new playlist on Spotify, inspired by Three Little Birds by Bob Marley. I call it “depression slayers”. Just one more arrow for my quiver.


Next steps

I met with my psychiatrist this morning. She was sad to hear of my recent panic attack and that I was on a downturn. She didn’t recommend any new meds, but we will keep an eye on it. 

On the personal side, I have to deal with what I have. My boss is happy with my performance, so I have to believe him. I will try focusing on the positives of the team and keep “doing what I do”. I will throw myslef into the work to make the clock wind faster. I will keep the mask up so no one knows the truth.

I dressed up a bit today, and put on some cologne. I am thinking about my wife and texting with her. I will fight through the day and keep telling myself that I’m doing well and avoid dwelling on bad outcomes of things I can’t control. My kids are counting on me, as are my co-workers, and I have a lot of power to change the way I feel.

And, thankfully, I also have Xanex.