Blur the days

Friday. I just have to make it to Friday. I can throw myself into work, as goodness knows there is enough to do. I can keep smiling, even though I feel hollow inside. Today I want to run around and do stuff so i can get to tomorrow faster. It’s amazing how much yo can miss someone when you are low. I feel like everything is so much harder than it was. I wish I could squeeze her for a few hours. I wish her body heat next to me could take away my anxious dreams. I have to wait until Friday. 

Counting down

I have so much time on my hands without my wife in town. I have to admit, this is something I’ve had fantasies about. No chores to do. No accountability for my time. I can do what I want. 

Reality isn’t so sweet. I miss having her here to draw strength from. I miss helping her with things. I miss her scent and having her need me. It’s funny how love works, I guess. When it’s right in front of you, you have to work to see it. It’s hard to appreciate sometimes. When it’s gone, it can be devastating. I’m able to function, but I’m not enjoying myself much at all.

I can’t wait until Friday, but I guess I have to. 

Amazon lists

It appears that Amazon has changed the filters on their wishlists. Why does this matter to me? I used my wishlist to get “treats” in the form of ebooks. For $2-$3, or a cup of coffee at Starbucks, I could often find a book that interested me on sales. Buying these books made me happy. Reading is a big part of my life, both past and present. I used to read to my kids every night. My mom constantly read when I was growing up. She has a collection of thousands of books that she could never read in a lifetime. Thanks to Amazon sales, I also have a collection of books that I will never finish, except being ebooks they take a lot fewer boxes to move.

This policy change makes it much harder for me to daily scan my list, filtered on books where the price has dropped. It would take me an inordinate amount of time to scan the list each day, taking the fun out of me “bargain shopping”. This takes one of my tools for happiness away. 

I’m sure they have a good reason for this. Maybe they want to drive more people to their app. I don’t really care why they did it. I just want them to switch it back.

Advice from the past

I’m listening to a book right now about a guy who worked as a salvage officer in World War 2. In the epilogue, there were some notes on his accomplishments from the British Admiralty, and some of those words inspired me. “Intelligent and energetic” and performs his duty “with zeal”. I took the words into my heart and used them to fight off the evil butterflies. I believe that if I take care of my duties with intelligence, energy, and zeal, I will be successful. I have these qualities and I am going to use them. Once I captured these ideas, the anxiety began to slip away. It was refreshing. Of course, as soon as I got to work I took a Xanex, just to be sure. 

Next steps

I met with my psychiatrist this morning. She was sad to hear of my recent panic attack and that I was on a downturn. She didn’t recommend any new meds, but we will keep an eye on it. 

On the personal side, I have to deal with what I have. My boss is happy with my performance, so I have to believe him. I will try focusing on the positives of the team and keep “doing what I do”. I will throw myslef into the work to make the clock wind faster. I will keep the mask up so no one knows the truth.

I dressed up a bit today, and put on some cologne. I am thinking about my wife and texting with her. I will fight through the day and keep telling myself that I’m doing well and avoid dwelling on bad outcomes of things I can’t control. My kids are counting on me, as are my co-workers, and I have a lot of power to change the way I feel.

And, thankfully, I also have Xanex.

Alone-ish

I got home from work, and found that my daughter made me cookies. My mask stayed on for most of the day, and I was able to talk to my boss about some things that helped set my mind at ease. Still, I feel uneasy. It might be my wife being out of town. It might be uneasiness about whether my kids will fight each other while I’m at work. Or, it could be nothing. Just my damaged brain whispering about bad things. I’m so tired of this. Thank god im seeing my psychologist tomorrow.